Anyone who has a pet has put themselves into a position to potential have to make the hardest decision of their lives. If you've done your job as their guardian and kept them safe for all these years, you very well may have to say when enough is enough. It's 12:30 on Tuesday. In four hours, we will say goodbye to the beautiful chocolate lab playing fetch in the clip above and even though she's not mine, it's still tough and for Jill, I know her heart is breaking.
Jill and I have both done some reading and in every piece of literature out there on the topic of when to say when, the two common themes are, it's better to be a couple days early than a couple days late and once you make the decision, don't turn back. The appointment has been set for days now and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that at times, I've thought about trying to trump that decision and make the argument that she's still happy and still has something to give but then I think back at all the things we've read and what friends have shared and what we've witnessed ourselves in Daisy's rapid decline and I know how selfish that would be. You see the question is, "Are you hanging on for what's best for you or what's best for your dog?"
I'm not going to go into the details of the decline. Let's just say that Daisy is a shell of what she was when the video above was taken. That has put a lot of stress on us as we've had to sacrifice quite a bit in order to take care of her. The biggest thing is sleep. She can't be comfortable as she paces the floors all night long going from one bed to the other or to a part of the house that is warmer or cooler depending on how she's feeling. It's sad to see her like that. It's also sad to watch her struggle to even get up off the floor, let alone navigate the stairs to go out into the yard. Her quality of life has diminished significantly and we can't do anything for her.
I know it sounds selfish but money is a factor as well and I've always figured if a dog's medical bills are twice as much as mine, then I'd need to re-asses the relationship. How much are you going to spend in order to keep your pet around a few more months or maybe a year? What makes sense rationally?
When you take on a pet like a dog, your whole purpose is to keep them safe and in return, they give you unconditional love. So when you get to this point in their lives, it's natural to want to try to save them or to question that decision to put them down. But again, who would you be keeping them alive for? Your job of protection also is to make sure they aren't going through unnecessary suffering so that you can have a few more days. I have to give Jill a lot of props for making a decision I might not be able to make. In fact, if Cutter lives that long, she'll probably have to be the voice of reason as I don't know that I would be strong enough to make the call.
But why does it hurt so much? We've known this day was coming. Since the day you get your new puppy, you know that the chances are, you are going to outlive them. And as we see them slowing down and developing different ailments, we start preparing ourselves but for some reason, that day still comes with such a significant blow. Why? When my grandpa died, he was 93, which in dog years, is about where Daisy is. When he died I cried. But then I remembered what he said when they found that he had cancer and he was like, "I'm good." He elected not to have treatments and he died peacefully a few weeks later. We know what's best for Daisy. We know what's rational but why isn't it the same?
A lot of grief comes down to change. Your dog has been with you for how long? In Daisy's case, 13 1/2 years! That's a pretty significant amount time and it's going to take some time to get used to the fact that she's not going to be there to greet us when we get home. She was a permanent fixture that brought some humor, companionship and joy to the family. She will be missed just like any other significant member would. But there's something more about a dog and what I'd say is it comes down to a little bit of guilt and a whole lot of humility.
Here's the deal. I said before that our job was to protect our four-legged friends and give them a good quality of life. We take them for walks. We feed them. We hunt with them or play fetch with them. We have fun with them and in return, they give us unconditional love. (It's not really in return because that would be conditional. They just give it freely.) Those days when you work your ass off and nobody appreciates you and you come home and slam the door or maybe get in an argument with you spouse? Who comes to your side to comfort you? But it's more than that. Let's say you're so frustrated with all the crap going on in your life that when you take your pooch for a walk or to play fetch and they act like a moron and don't bring the ball back to you or they take off down the street and won't come back right away, you get angry and take out your frustration on them but what do they do? All they can do is look at you and give you love. They don't hold grudges. They just love you and when you look back at all the times you yelled at them or maybe forgot about them or left them alone in the house for a few hours too long or maybe missed a feeding you know that they have never dropped the ball and it's easy to start feeling guilty. They've never stopped loving you and the bottom line is there is always this question of did I give enough? Did I even come close to giving my best friend what they gave to me and the answer is always going to be no. It's just not possible because we are flawed and as much of a meathead as they can be, they never give up on their end of the deal. They always just love us.
The other thing that makes it particularly hard is that they can't communicate with us the way we'd like. We want to be affirmed that we are making the right decision and we want to hear from them that it's all going to be okay and that they're not going to hold it against us but that's not going to happen either. They can't tell us how much pain they're in and they're not going to show it because it's just not in their nature. They're going to fight to live regardless of how much they are suffering and as much as you'd like to hear from them that they understand, you have to believe that what you're doing is in their best interest because you love them and you don't want them to suffer anymore. You can read the signs and see that they are suffering by the way they struggle to get up to eat or drink or by the way they slip or fall when going down the steps but there will always be that doubt because they can't tell you how they feel and that's incredibly difficult. You know that the decisions you're making are out of love and you have to trust you're doing the right thing for them.
There are only a few more hours left. I think I'll spend them helping Jill make peace with this decision and by showing Daisy one last time what she has given us. She likes fried duck.
Keep 'em where they live...
No comments:
Post a Comment